Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Super Special Top Secret Project

In an earlier comments trail (and you must think of these like previous lifetimes, only much more fun), the ever delightful Kiersten confessed to wanting to “sneak under the umbrella of my funny".

That wee snippet of amusement stuck with me for most of last Thursday, almost as if some cosmic jester had superglued the feathers from Ken Dodd’s tickling stick to the bit of me that’s the most susceptible.

So I got to thinking — if ever Kiersten and I should get together in the presence of an umbrella, how would we re-create the essence of this sneaky brolly thing?

After all, I’m 6' 2" and she, merely two lots of two foot five and a half piled one on top of the other.

If I held the umbrella, rain clouds would swoosh in from the side and soak her, and if she held it, I’d be forced to kneel down in a puddle (and I’m assuming it has to be raining — I can’t see us sneaking under an umbrella of funny on a sunny day. That lacks all comedic effect. So, yes, it’s tipping it down. And instead of water it’s a blend of Dr Pepper and Earl Grey Tea).

That’s when I remembered the photo of me and the monkey.


Everyone of a certain age in England has one of these: a snapshot from some long lost holiday in Yarmouth, Skegness, Shitey Sands, and all those other seaside towns tucked between the ocean blue and the Kiss Me Kwik hat production plant. What’s scarier, perhaps, is that some of the monkey’s descendents have these too, and I know, because Sock Monkey has one of his great great great great grandad — taken in Cromer, I believe. With Harriet Harman.

Anyhow, you can see where I’m going with this. To save any argument about who holds the umbrella, we’ll sink it in the ground, parasol style. This will leave our hands free for any conjuring tricks to entertain the kids — because let’s face it, if it’s raining Dr Pepper, there’s bound to be kids. I envisage a special K-harness, strapped to my manly shoulder, which ought to support Kiersten securely for the duration of the Funny Sneak, a bit like the way the Queen rides a horse sidesaddle or a kangaroo tucks away her Joey. It would come complete with its own miniature laptop attachment, a pen and paper, and possibly a bean bag to provide her with the option of either falling asleep or doing that thing where you pretend to be a caliph in a silly hat.

We’d only need about five minutes to pull this wheeze off, and if it works (as I’m sure it will), we could patent the idea and roll out a stream of merchandise worldwide so everyone could join in the fun.

Fairy and McKoala, Scarlet and Wrobin, Blogless Troll and Latvialovedol1877 — why, the permutations are potentially very entertaining indeed...

11 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

I see you pair me up with a scary marsupial. She may have claws but I have prickles! This could be an interesting interlude.

Whirlochre said...

Spiky Bear Baiter
Harry Hill has agreed to officiate...

DJ Kirkby said...

You are hilarious. Or quite mad. Or possibly a bit of both. What I want to know is this - why do you and the monkey have matching sweaters on?

Old Kitty said...

I look forward to watching the results on YouTube with a glass of Dr Pepper (cos it's proper!), some popcorn and a monkey.

:-)

Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

DJ
The synchronicity of primate garment preferences knows no bounds.

Old Kitty
Which reminds me — how many nuggetules of popcorn can people balance on their noses? I'm up to one so far.

Phoenix said...

Oh, oh, I get it. It's like Whirly World Mash-ups. I'm not sure how popular it will be unless you include the undead. I'm told any variety will do. Still, most of this crew is already halfway there, so your mashies should be golden. Or at least gold-plated.

jjdebenedictis said...

I think I'd like to be paired with the umbrella of funny itself, although it would be difficult for an umbrella to sneak under itself.

Peter Dudley said...

For some reason I keep wondering if the umbrella of funny comes to pass, the trenchcoat of funny can't be far behind, and that scares me.

Then a whole range. The gaiters of funny, the hip waders of funny. And for larger groups, the E-Z-Up of funny.

McKoala said...

Despite a famous visit to Scarborough when a mere koaling, I believe I did not torture any monkeys. I did, however, have my first haircut.

Kiersten White said...

Yes, but the harness chafes something awful, and I haven't even got a prehensile tail for my troubles.

Whirlochre said...

Okay folks, that's our new life mission — find Kiersten a tail.