Sunday, April 4, 2010
A Personal Message To My Wonderful New Followers
Having a new bunch of followers is a terrible responsibility.
What if they log on and discover to their horror that the second post isn’t nearly half as good as the one that got them hooked? And what if they then re-read that initial post and think ‘what was I doing? I must have been some sort of idiot! I’m stomping round to Whirlochre’s house right this very minute to punch him on the nose for making me feel like a monkey!’
So I approach this post with the tentativeness of a Bambi, skating out onto thin ice. But that’s as far as the analogy goes, OK? I’m skipping the bit about his mum getting shot. Imagine instead that she was suffocated with a pillow. Or better still, poisoned so she didn’t suffer at all. Not the kind of poisoning where you’re grabbed and swabbed with chloroform, because technically, that’s almost as bad as being shot — unless the hunter just wings you, and you bleed to death over the course of a few hours. So we’ll say the poisoning is deliberate. Bambi’s mum has arranged to be poisoned, with something fast-acting and reliable, maybe with plenty of sugar added to take away any nasty taste and reduce the possibility that she might gag on it, swallow just the tiniest drop, and pass into that state of unconsciousness between full honours death and a life-threatening coma that leaves her permanently brain damaged. So she sneaks off into a fairy glen with Thumper and a bottle of the lethal draft. Thumper isn’t too sure about the whole idea, but agrees to go because he loves Bambi so much. In fact, it was his suggestion about the poison. Bambi’s mum had originally planned to go with the pillow thing, or a hanging — with drowning in the frozen lake coming a close third on account of there being no bricks to tie round her neck. Deep in the woods, he sorts things so Bambi never suspects it’s suicide by making it look like her Mum slipped up gambolling over a tree trunk and hit her head on a rock. Prior to administering the poison, Thumper uses a cheese grater to feign a graze on her forehead, then the two of them arrange her body next to the tree trunk just so and Thumper holds her down while he tips the poison into her mouth, because she does in fact gag, and when the muscle spasms kick in, it’s all he can do to stop her quivering body bouncing around on the verdant sward and emitting gutteral choking sounds. So, in the end, he does have to kind of suffocate her because he figures if Bambi hears anything, it will be far more emotionally scarring than any gunshot scenario, and he stuffs his bunny tail into her mouth to speed the whole asphyxiation thing up. So, yes, that’s it, that’s the analogy. Of me skating out, like Bambi, onto the thin ice of a brand new post. Tailored specially to appeal to my welcome new followers.
Maybe I’ll have another bash after the bank holiday...